One of my executive coaching clients is working on increasing his ability to influence other members of the executive leadership team. I am coaching him to become a better listener, and to help team members become more fully engaged.
The CEO of his company knows that for the organization to thrive depends on all company leaders to be more adept at influencing key stakeholders. Human Resources is partnering with me to support senior executives in improving their ability to persuade others. Our current executive coaching and leadership consulting work is also focused on helping leaders at all levels increase their ability to influence team members.
Influencing Others
You probably already know how to handle a tense situation intelligently. You wouldn’t be in your position today if you didn’t. At least subconsciously, you’re experienced in going from attack mode to emotional mode to smart mode.
Every difficult conversation involves your reptile, mammalian and human brains. Unfortunately, much of your wisdom lies buried in your instincts. You can’t always access what’s required to manage tense emotions at the precise moment you need it.
Typically, a few minutes after a stressful encounter, your pulse and breathing start to slow, and you calm down a little. Shortly thereafter, you gain enough self-control to begin reviewing your options. And later, you start thinking, “There’s a smart way to resolve this so everybody wins.”
But if you’ve reacted with harsh words in the heat of the moment, you may have already screwed up a sale, alienated a coworker or lost someone’s esteem.
3 Core Rules for Getting Through to People
Rule 1: Move from “Oh, F#@&!” to “OK”
In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation—a slender window of opportunity that gives you an advantage over everyone else in the room. You’ll be the only person who’s thinking straight.
In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston recommends a five-step mental process during such crises, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, an enraged teenager or a work situation:
1. “Oh, F#@&!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m screwed. What just happened? It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, God!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why does this always happen to me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “All right, I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my life/career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”
Goulston says that you can’t solve a crisis in two minutes. But you can think your way through to possible solutions quickly. These mental steps give you a way to create a path out of panic mode and into solution mode. You’ll then be able to say the right things instead of making things worse.
Rule 2: Rewire Yourself to Listen
Many of us don’t listen well, especially with the people we deal with each day. We think we already know what they’re going to say.
As a result, we mistake insecurity for arrogance, fear for stubbornness and legitimate anger for a dismissive “he’s just a jerk.” We talk around, over and up against people, with little actual listening to them.
We often size people up instantly, forming some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions. They affect our conversations with others for months or even years to come.
We use the following filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them:
• Gender (and all the stereotypes that go with it...)
• Generation (age)
• Ethnic background (names, skin color, accent, etc.)
• Education (level, manner of speaking)
• Looks (dress, hair, body size, style)
Check your filters, and examine how well you truly hear what someone is saying.
Rule 3: Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.
When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.
Inside every angry person is a scared or nervous soul in need of empathy. If you ignore this person’s feelings, you’ll keep hitting the same brick wall of anger, antagonism or apathy.
When you make the person feel “felt,” you’re likely to transform yourself from a stranger or enemy to a friend and ally. You’ll get less attitude and obstruction, more support and an improved chance to get your message through. If this sounds too simple to be true, go ahead and try it out for yourself.
Are you working in a company or law firm where some leaders seem to be good at influencing others? Does your company or law firm provide leadership coaching and leadership development to help leaders develop influencing skills? Leaders at all levels need to influence others to get work done.
One of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is “Am I a good listener and adept at influencing others?” Emotionally intelligent and socially intelligent organizations provide executive coaching and leadership development for leaders to be better at influencing others.
Working with a seasoned executive coach and leadership consultant trained in emotional intelligence and incorporating assessments such as the Bar-On EQ-i CPI 260 and Denison Culture Survey can help you create an organizational culture where the ability to influence key people is appreciated and rewarded. You can become a leader who models emotional intelligence and social intelligence, and who inspires people to become fully engaged with the vision, mission and strategy of your company or law firm.
I am currently accepting new executive coaching, career coaching, and leadership consulting clients. I work with both individuals and organizations. Call 415-546-1252 or send an inquiry e-mail to mbrusman@workingresources.com.
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