San Francisco Bay Area Executive Coaching

9 Ways to Improve Your Active Listening Skills

9 Ways to Improve Your Active Listening Skills

Active listening is an important skill that a leader needs to have and practice. 

By being an active listener, you can make better decisions, strengthen your relationships with your team, clients, or customers, and also spot opportunities that you might otherwise miss. 

Active listening requires the listener to absorb information, comprehend the message, and retain the information conveyed by the speaker. While practicing active listening, you should pay close attention to the speaker’s non-verbal cues (behavior, body language) to gain a full understanding of their message. 

Here are 9 ways you can improve your active listening skill. 

1. Be the last to speak

If you truly want to learn about other people’s opinions, just sit back and really listen to what everyone is saying. Try not to show judgment or react throughout the conversation. You will be amazed at how much you can learn when you let others lead the conversation. 

2. Focus on them, not yourself

Listening is not about you. You cannot actively listen to what others are saying when you are too busy figuring out what you’re going to say. You should not interrupt or finish the other person’s sentences. Stop worrying about how to defend yourself from having your opinions validated, your main focus should be on the other person. 

3. Maintain eye contact

When another person is speaking, make sure that you are giving them your undivided attention by maintaining eye contact, instead of checking your phone or computer. You can provide non-verbal cues that you are listening, such as nodding your head or leaning in, but eye contact is the most important component of active listening. Maintaining eye contact for 4-5 seconds each time throughout the conversation helps you display interest and confidence. 

If you are doing this virtually, make sure that the other person can see your full upper body, not just your face. This allows them to see your hand gestures throughout the interaction. When it comes to maintaining “digital eye-contact” try to look into your camera, instead of just looking at your screen. 

4. Listen to non-verbal cues

In order to fully understand the message that the other person is trying to convey, you also have to pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal cues. Non-verbal communication such as body language, facial expressions, actions, or inaction is often as important as the message itself. By paying attention to the speaker’s non-verbal cues, you can gain clues on how the person is truly feeling and their honest reaction to certain topics — this will help you gain a deeper understanding of the situation. 

5. Withhold your judgment

Active listening requires you to welcome new perspectives, ideas, and have an open mind. Even when you have strong opinions on certain issues, try to suspend your judgment and pay attention to what the other person is saying first, without criticizing or arguing. You are there to listen, absorb and think rather than instantly respond.

6. Verify your understanding

Try to summarize and restate what you are hearing to verify your understanding. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or ask for clarification.

You can say something like “Let me know if I got this right. Are you saying that…” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t follow you, can you repeat or elaborate on that”?

The person will most likely add something you missed, or clarify a point that you might have interpreted differently. The best way to verify your understanding is to paraphrase what they’ve said in your own words without any judgment.

7. Ask open-ended questions

Active listening puts emphasis on asking questions, rather than telling or making assumptions. You can try asking open-ended questions to encourage the other person to share more of their thought processes and opinions with you, so that you can gain a complete understanding of what they are saying. 

You can ask questions like “Can you elaborate on that“? What kind of solutions have you tried?”, “What do you think about….”. 

8. Ask for permission to share your thoughts

After fully understanding what the other person is saying, it can be a good idea to ask for permission to share your thoughts on the topic. Once they agree, provide them with your own suggestions, ideas, and thoughts on the issue. 

As a leader or a coach, it is important that you don’t dictate a solution. What you can do instead is to ask further questions that can help them think from different perspectives, guide them, and offer ideas. 

9. Recognize the contribution of others

People often overlook the importance of giving recognition to other people’s contributions. Even if there is no real value, thank the person for their time and input. It’s important to acknowledge the person’s effort, ideas, and actions — especially for leaders. 

Now that you understand the value of active listening in leadership, it’s time for you to practice it yourself. 

“The most important conversation is the kind and loving conversation you have with yourself each day. Take a pause, breathe and listen deep within yourself.”

Lead with Love

Maynard

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach

Trusted Leadership Advisor

Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant

San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

[email protected]

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

 

Leadership 2023: A Shift to Self-Employment?

Leadership 2023:
A Shift to Self-Employment?

Is self-employment right for you? Is 2023 the best time to start your own business?

Questions like these are common right now. And the answer is: definitely, maybe.

Many leaders, executives, and managers secretly wish that they were self-employed. When they examine past career choices, future opportunities, and the reality that time is finite, they open the window to options and opportunities.

Regardless of the type of business, self-employment isn’t for everyone. It requires passion, know how, and opportunity. It requires strategy and great timing. And it takes resources.

To be sure, there are many pros and cons to consider:

• A very rapid pandemic recovery reduced US unemployment from 10.2% (mid-2020) to 3.7% (November 2022). How will you identify and secure needed employees?
• Ongoing pandemic impacts, including those to global economies. In anticipation of inflation (or recession), some services spending will be reduced in 2023. Is your ideal client a business, consumer, or mix?
• While many home offices, technology, and skills were improved over the past two years, some supply and demand issues linger. What do you need to “open shop” and fulfill commitments?
• US consumer confidence declined in November 2022, however, it is about the same as 2006 – 2007, 2015, and the short-term business conditions outlook improved. Would a partnership (or collaboration) be a better option to reduce risk? Maybe more importantly, if you don’t offer your service or solution, who will?

Start Smart

The shift to self-employment can be the most rewarding accomplishment and pathway to success there ever was. But, ask anyone who has ventured out on their own, and they’ll tell you tales of blood, sweat, and tears shed. If you’ve got a novel, great idea, it won’t take long before others are nipping on your heels. It’s important to start right: start smart.

Ask yourself:

• What steps must I take to transition to entrepreneurship?
• Can I give myself permission to succeed, or fail?
• How does fear keep me in a reactive stance, constrained by outmoded routines?
• Am I content to live partially, or am I ready and willing to explore new ways of thinking and feeling?
• Can I gather the energy needed to realize my unlived potential?
• How can I take one small step?

Hone Your Value Proposition

Begin with a value-proposition: a simple, memorable statement about what you do, and why you do it. Your value proposition describes the functional and emotional benefits of your company and brand. Functional benefits are linked to specific product features, while emotional benefits refer to positive feelings that customers experience when using your products and services.

For example, the functional benefit of a gardening tool could be the efficient removal of lawn weeds, but the emotional benefit could be its ease of use by people with knee ailments. Value propositions are not necessarily about offering the cheapest products. They are about convincing customers that they are getting value for their money.

A value proposition can be created in four steps:

Step 1: Know your customer

Your customer is a business person with quite a large house, who likes the "meditative feeling" of cutting his own lawn, but gets bored by the job when it takes too long.  He's looking for a good quality of cut, for the job to be done quickly and enjoyably.

Step 2: Know your product or idea

The product is a ride-on mower with a 25 horsepower (powerful) engine and 45 inch (wide) cutting blades.

Step 3: Know your competitors

The mower goes faster and cuts wider than the competition.

Step 4: Distill the customer-oriented proposition

"Our mower cuts your grass in 50% of the time of 'big brand' mowers in its class. And it leaves the lawn looking beautiful too!"

Craft Your Business Positioning Statement

Your business positioning statement flows from your value proposition. It should describe why customers should use one product over another.

For example, a small bakery's positioning statement could be its multigrain breads and custom-designed cakes that appeal to customers who are looking for flavorful and creative products that are different from the standard mass-produced items at big-box grocery stores. Correct positioning could determine market-share gains and profitability. In this case, the bakery is trying to position its products in the market segment that includes customers who want high-quality, high-priced goods. If it tries to compete solely on price, it may not survive because bigger companies can use their buying power to drive down input costs.

Positioning statements focus on the most relevant benefit and points of competitive differentiation that are meaningful to the persona:

1. Audience (persona type/niche market)
2. Product
3. Category
4. Differentiator
5. Key customer benefit
6. Think "Why?" and answer the customer’s question of WIFM

Be prepared to modify your positioning statements to respond to changes in the business environment. 

Memorize Your Personal Positioning Statement

Your personal positioning statement flows from your value propositions and business positioning statement. It describes why customers should choose you over someone else.

For example, your personal positioning statement could include how you have helped other clients and appeal to prospects who are looking for similar results (or have similar problems).  Based on your niche market values, personal positioning statements focus on the most relevant benefit of working with you versus your competitors.

Try this basic template, and fill in the blanks:

For ____________________ (your audience/niche market/persona type),
I am the ____________________ (your specialty or category of service)
with the unique combination of ________________ (your differentiator)
that can help you ____________________ (key customer benefit/the “why”/WIFM answer).

These tools also help to keep your vision alive. They are reminders of what you do, and why you do it. Most importantly, they prepare you to answer the question: “what do you do?”

Unleash Your Inner Entrepreneur

Leaders and executives often make great entrepreneurs. After all, many have grown through the ranks in an organization, and understand what it takes to succeed in business:

1. Facilitator
2. Teacher
3. Pragmatist
4. Motivator
5. Visionary
6. Mystic (magnetism)

As an entrepreneur, you’ll move through the ranks. Knowing which aren’t a good fit—and knowing what you don’t know—allows you to focus your time, energy, and attention on areas where you excel.

Generally speaking, your passion will stem from your knowledge or experience with the technical aspects of your business: the first three ranks. Successful entrepreneurship requires a solid understanding of logistics, including resources, supply chains, and production, as well as marketing, finance, and everything in between.

As you take on more responsibility (and grow your business), the role of facilitator, teacher, and pragmatist can be taught to others, delegated, or hired out. Your role will shift to motivator as you encourage others in their performance.

As a visionary, you’ll share your ideas, identify possibilities and opportunities, and make connections others may miss. Even without a team yet in place, you’ll be called on to communicate your vision and inspire action from others: creditors, investors, and clients. This requires social intelligence, charisma, and magnetism; it requires the mastery of mystic.

The Mastery of Mystique

Mystique is a transformational, rather than transactional, quality. It affects our internal—not external—state. The charismatic entrepreneur changes the way we feel about ourselves, our values, and our beliefs. Our behavior and performance are therefore influenced on a deeper level.

Consider your formative life experiences. It’s not about what happened to you, but how you responded. For example, if something traumatic raised your self-awareness; if it caused you to question, reflect, gain insight, and ignite your passion, share this with others.

In challenging times, charismatic entrepreneurs can unite a group and inspire focus, more so than any other force.

Serendipity, Self-Employment, and Success

Self-employment isn’t for everyone. It requires passion, know how, and opportunity. It requires strategy and great timing. And it takes grit. Successful entrepreneurs use their grit to:

• Anticipate that obstacles are inevitable and find a way around them.
• Develop their abilities by finding solutions to setbacks.
• Build willpower by using it like a muscle—anticipating when they’re vulnerable, avoiding temptations, and preparing contingency plans and coping strategies.

Successful entrepreneurs focus on what they will do, rather than what they won’t do—a tactic that fosters positive energy. They know success depends on adapting to challenges and persisting, even when they’re ready to wave the white flag. And, they are open to opportunities in surprising places.

Successful entrepreneurs see what others don’t; they notice the un-noticed, and expect the unexpected. Those who are successfully self-employed turn these noticed, unexpected observations into opportunities. Some call it serendipity.

As Christian Busch, PhD, writes in The Serendipity Mindset (Riverhead Books, 2020), “[Serendipity] demands a conscious effort to prompt and leverage those moments when apparently unconnected ideas or events come together in front of you to form a new pattern.” To put it simply, they connect the dots.

According to Busch, there are three types of serendipity: Archimedes, Post-it, and Thunderbolt.

1. Archimedes Serendipity: When a solution to a known problem comes from an unexpected place. This type of serendipity is common for natural entrepreneurs.
2. Post-it Serendipity: When a solution to a known problem is stumbled upon by exploring a different and/or unrecognized problem.
3. Thunderbolt Serendipity: When a solution to an unknown problem presents itself.

Why Is This Important?

As successful entrepreneurs will tell you, no matter how strong your passion or know-how, success depends on your openness to opportunity, and how well you have trained yourself to recognize opportunities around you. You see, serendipitous entrepreneurs connect the dots between the small things and life’s bigger problems. 

Busch writes, “Learn to spot serendipity.” Recognize opportunities in things, places, and with others. Connect the dots and recognize patterns.

One of the biggest hurdles in this process is confidence, or lack thereof. Sometimes, our need for perfectionism (and fear of failure) holds us back. But when we accept that failure is better than no attempt, we can let go of limitations, and open to a world of possibilities.

Some successful entrepreneurs intuitively cultivate serendipity. They are open to the unexpected, and able to proactively lead during times of uncertainty.

Lead with Love

Maynard

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach

Trusted Leadership Advisor

Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant

San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

[email protected]

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

Positive Progress and the Art of Negotiation

Positive Progress and the Art of Negotiation

How much time and attention do you spend negotiating every day?

Think about it: just getting to your work space requires negotiating activities, meals, and space (think nutrition versus convenience, after-school activities, commuter lanes, etc.) At work we negotiate our way through business deals, customer relations, office politics, and career advancements. Such negotiations often require the agility of Captain America, the stamina of Dean Karnazes, and the wisdom of Yoda.

Ask any experienced parent (or listen to the news) and you’ll hear how playing hardball with threats and bluffs simply does not yield positive progress. However, traditional wisdom that points to a win-win strategic formula of trades and compromises is not without challenges. Of course, most of us are not super-heroes or world class athletes. Positive progress requires mastery in the art of negotiation.

What is the Art of Negotiation?

Negotiation is the process of agreement that takes place between individuals or organizations autonomously (by algorithms or machines) or human interaction (verbal or written dialogue). Generally, the objective is to identify common interests and resolve opposing differences. But as authors Michael Wheeler and Jeff Cummings write in The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World, “agility is the mark of a master negotiator. Yes, preparation is important, but negotiation is a two-way street.”

Negotiations often break down when people come to the table focused on their positions, rather than on legitimate interests.

For example, you unexpectedly need to replace a piece of equipment now, but it’s going to take some time to have something built to your unique specifications.

Fortunately, you find something pre-owned that will work for the interim, but it will cost you in terms of productivity (efficiency, and profits.) As such, you don’t want to shell out a lot of money on this temporary solution, so you offer $10k. The seller counters with $60k.

You up your offer to $20k, and make it firm. The seller counters $60k.

Knowing that not having this equipment will shut down all your operations, you grudgingly up your offer. This dance of positional bargaining continues until you meet in the middle.

The problem with this tactic is that the legitimate interests are not addressed, rather, both parties focus on their position and the compromise does not take into account the needs of either party.

Here’s another very common example. You want your children to eat something healthy for breakfast. You offer an orange, a cup of unsweetened steel-cut oats, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk. They counter that they want sweetened cereal and a glass of sweetened juice. You then drop your offer to half of an orange, three bites of the oats, and no less. One of your children counters with two orange sections. This exchange goes on until you meet in the middle.

Such a narrow focus squelches curiosity, creativity, and compassion. And it fuels polarization. This is often the case in positional bargaining, where egos are hooked, relationships become strained, and neither party is satisfied.

What’s Your Negotiation Style?

Most people have a default negotiation style. Two of the most common are hard-bargaining and win-win.

The underlying motivation in the hard-bargaining style is based on a competitive, zero-sum game, that is to say, if one gains, the other loses. With this style of positional bargaining, there is a winner and a loser of limited resources.

In the win-win style, both parties seek to understand underlying interests and values of the other party. This gentler style is common with friends, family, and those who value relationships. Of course, a hard-bargaining, “muscle, might, or deception” style will dominate a gentler style, and ultimately result in a loss for both parties. Alternatively, a principled negotiation style supports both parties equally.

When both parties seek to meet the legitimate, basic interests of both parties using fair standards, mutually satisfying options are identified and result in a sound agreement. Positions, personalities, and egos are separated from the problem or conflict. Mutual respect is demonstrated with direct, honest, and empathetic communication.

The Art of Principled Negotiation

It’s not easy to change habits and disentangle emotions when negotiating. It may be difficult at first to enlist others in the task of working out a wise solution to a shared problem. Your first goal is to find a better way to negotiate.

In the best-selling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton outline four elements of principled negotiation:

1. People: Separate the people from the problem.
2. Interests: Focus on interests, not positions.
3. Options: Generate a variety of possibilities before deciding what to do.
4. Criteria: Insist on a result based on an objective standard.

These four elements require skills in analysis, planning, and discussion.

Analysis: Gather and organize information. Identify the outcome (basic need or want) you wish to achieve. Identify the desired outcome for the other party.

For example, if you are negotiating breakfast with your children, you’ll need to specify exactly what you believe to be indicators of nutrition or health. Is it consistent energy until lunch? You may want your children to eat only unprocessed, unsweetened foods, but their nutritional needs may be met with a balance of unprocessed, minimally processed, and naturally sweetened foods. You also need to know what each child wants. Is it something quick, easy, and sweet? This broader perspective differs from trying to convince both children to eat an orange, a cup of unsweetened steel-cut oats, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk. The focus is on outcomes—not positions or specific foods.

In principled negotiations, you’ll want to consider any people problems, partisan perceptions, and unclear communications as you identify others’ needs. Note the options already on the table (i.e., oranges, steel-cut oats, almond milk, sweetened cereal, sweetened juice), and identify any criteria already suggested as a basis for agreement (taste/pleasure, nutritional value, speed/ease, etc.)

Planning: Only after you have thoroughly analyzed legitimate needs, wants, and desired outcomes, generate ideas and decide what to do. Consider these questions:

1. When people problems arise, how will they be managed?
2. What are your most important interests (needs, wants)?
3. What are some realistic objectives?
4. What are some additional options?
5. What criteria will be used in decision making?

Discussion:  This is an opportunity to practice curiosity without judgement. Through two-sided, open dialog, both parties explore differences in perception, feelings of frustration and anger, and other factors. Remember to examine all four of the elements: people, interests, options, and criteria. Each side should come to understand the other’s interests. Both can then jointly generate options that are mutually advantageous and seek agreement on objective standards for resolving opposition.

Using our breakfast example, one child may want to skip the meal entirely, while the other wants something sweet. Negotiating a compromise requires family members to examine options that satisfy the group. Ultimately, you may need to create two separate agreements.

This method of reaching agreement considers all parties’ interests and allows you to reach a joint decision without the high costs of positional bargaining.

But what happens when positive progress fails?

When Negotiations Stall

Negotiating is about coping with complexity. To succeed, negotiators must be prepared, but more importantly, they must be prepared to cope with rapid change and mistakes. Agility and curiosity is the best approach.

We often act out of habit, without question. To be sure, it’s difficult to admit our common human condition of thinking we know more than we do. The ego protects itself by gravitating toward feelings of certainty. In that state of mind we're unlikely to ask questions.

Instead, practice being a good questioner. Recognize your own feelings of discomfort or self-consciousness with not knowing. Ask naïve questions. A beginner's mind is open to all possibilities while an expert's is not.

When people do ask questions, they're often relying on assumptions and biases. Even if you don't yet know "how," it's important to ask "why" and "what if" questions. And remember to listen well.

Negotiation is the exploration of the scope of the issues, the best means for resolution, and the nature of your relationship with counterparts. When negotiations stall, you might just need to go back to the exploration stage.

When Negotiations Fail

Negotiations often fail when we cut corners, rush to solutions, and accept proposed solutions—even when our best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) would have been better. Similarly, failure also occurs when a solution can’t be implemented.

Remember our breakfast example? If you had reached a point of exasperation and said to your children, “eat what I made, or go hungry,” a stalemate would likely ensue. And it’s really no surprise.

According to the Harvard Law School Program on Negotiation, negotiations fail when strong emotions come in to play. Instead of objectively discussing a proposed solution, comparing it to your BATNA, and making a rational choice, threats are issued.

While some critics argue that a BATNA encourages positional bargaining, others point to the objectivity and assurance an alternative provides. A well thought out BATNA, or estimated alternatives to a negotiated agreement (EATNA), increases your confidence, identifies your alternatives, and helps you to recognize subpar and best solutions.

The art of negotiation requires preparation and agility. With practice, you’ll see positive progress while maintaining positive relationships during the process.

Lead with Love

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com
[email protected]

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence


I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

Confrontations that Create a Win-Win-Win

Confrontations that Create a Win-Win-Win

What has been your recent experience with confrontations? When did you last initiate one?

Confronting someone for their behavior today is no easy feat, especially when emotions are easily triggered and opinions vary. We often become quick to challenge their logic (What were you thinking?!), credibility (Where did you learn to…?!), and personality (Who do you think you are?!)

At the other end of the spectrum, we avoid confrontations; we don’t want to make matters worse. But, when we say nothing, we perpetuate the problem (and in some cases, become co-conspirators.) Great leaders and managers understand this.

When expectations are left unmet—including protocol infractions, civil disobedience, illegal behavior and everything in between—frustration, lack of accountability, and broken relationships become the norm.

What if we could make a positive difference?

Most of us are not highly skilled in win-win-win confrontation. We feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Instead, we can learn and practice positive confrontations: address the issue in a way that supports the wellbeing of self, others, and the relationship between the two.

Calculating Risks and Rewards in Confrontations

Conflicts can range from disappointments (i.e. someone not meeting our expectations) to micro aggressions, to outright dangerous and/or illegal behavior. And yet, we are often hesitant to say anything. Why is that?

Our willingness to speak up changes based on what’s at stake.  In general, most of our daily conflicts boil down to:

1. Priority or value differences
2. Behavior or communication style differences
3. Inequality (or perceived inequality)

In Crucial Accountability (McGraw-Hill Education, 2013), authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler share their 30+ years study on confrontations.  When they asked people why they remained (or became) silent in the presence of an injustice or violation of a social norm, the majority of responses were a version of, “it’s not worth it.” The perception was, they wouldn’t, or couldn’t, make a difference.

But here’s the thing: when a positive example of a successful confrontation is witnessed, people speak up.

According to the authors, “Provide individuals who have been disappointed or poorly treated with something to say and a way to say it that leads to the result they want, and their mental math changes. Better yet, their behavior changes. People now believe it’s in their best interest to step up to violated promises, broken commitments, and bad behavior. And they do.”

Avoid the Blame Game

One of the biggest obstacles in confronting someone is the blame game.

Consider the observation made by comedian George Carlin: anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. It usually includes the question: “What is the matter with them?!”

When we ask ourselves, “What would lead a rational, reasonable, and reliable person to do that?” we move from a stance of blame to inquiry. We create a safer space for an actual exchange of ideas: the foundation for positive confrontations. When people feel safe, you can talk about almost anything.

People feel safe when they believe that:

• They are respected as human beings; there is or could be mutual respect for the other
• There is regard for their goals; there is or could be mutual purpose

Even in situations when you don’t know the other person, you send a message about your level of respect and regard. Positive confrontations require that you set the right tone from the offset. To pro-actively avoid or counter defensiveness, include the use of contrasting statements.

Let’s say, for example, you encounter someone at work who is not using protective safety gear, even though it is a company policy.

Lead the conversation with a contrast, such as: “I don’t want you to think that I am criticizing you, your work, or your judgment. I just want to talk about our company policy regarding protective safety gear, and how we can best support it.” Then, you can state the policy, why it is important to you, and close with a sincere question, such as, “What do you think?”  

Listen to their response, and re-state or re-phrase what you heard them say (in positive terms and language), and ask them to commit to following company policy. Acknowledging their perspective (their thoughts, experience, feelings, and understanding) can go a long way toward mutual support, commitment, and adherence to policy.

Positive Accountability

Positive accountability is the conversation that takes place after someone has made a commitment, and failed to keep it. Like positive confrontations, they often start with the question, “Why?” They become positive accountability confrontations when both parties are able and willing to comply to a solution, and the relationship is strengthened.

Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler outlined a three-step process to address bad behavior, un-kept promises, or broken commitments that resulted in unmet expectations: CPR.

• Content: identify the action or event that took place (the here and now).
  1. Unbundle the problem. Identify all the elements.
  2. Identify what is bothering you the most.
  3. Be concise: communicate the issue in one (simple) sentence. It could be as simple as, “When you X, I feel Y, therefore Z.”
     For example: “When you don’t wear a mask, I feel scared for your health and mine, therefore I would like you to wear a mask in this shared space.”
     
     
• Pattern: when the action or event recurs, address the pattern over time.
  1. Point out the number of times this event took place, what you had agreed to, and how the repeated actions/events affect predictability, respect, and trust. This is different than pointing out the action or event.  It requires honesty, and respect.
  2. For example: “It is my understanding that we agreed you would wear a mask in this shared space, and this is the second time I have seen you not wearing one. I am concerned that I can’t count on you to keep your word.”
     
     
• Relationship: how this affects your relationship.
  1. Explore the intentions and consequences with compassionate curiosity (for you, them, and others).
  2. Share your understanding (about the content or pattern), and how you feel about the other person.
  3. Share your objectives: what you want to happen in the future for you, them, and your relationship.
  4. For example: “We agreed you would wear a mask in this shared space, and this is the third time I have seen you not wearing one. This pattern is putting a strain on our relationship, and I am concerned about that. I want us to be able to trust each other, and to act with mutual respect.”

Be Aware of Your Stories

It’s easy to become hooked by our emotions, especially when the stakes are higher. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the stories we tell ourselves before, during, and after a confrontation.

When we tell ourselves that the other person (or organization) is the villain, we often end-up telling ourselves we are the victim, and we engage our amygdala: that reptilian brain responsible for fight, flight, or freeze.

But when we recognize and address our own fears, we are better prepared for a more neutral, compassionate, curious conversation that yields a win-win-win. Curiosity is a key component that helps us find common ground.

Best Practices

Confrontation and holding others accountable is not always easy (or end with the best results!) But if you want to grow personally and professionally, you need to be willing to engage in conflict.

• Stay in the moment. If you find yourself focusing on, or getting caught in emotions, breathe. Label the emotion: there is fear; there is anxiety; there is anger. If you need to, take a break. Pause the conversation, provide a neutral reason (I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I need to take a quick break; can I get you anything?) Resume the conversation as promised.
• Listen more than you talk. The majority of your speaking time may be best spent asking questions to gain better understanding. Get out of the way so you can hear what’s important. Pay attention to cues. Notice body language, and what is not being said.
• Anticipate you will have a positive outcome. There is a big difference between being liked, and being respected. Conflict is an opportunity to repair and strengthen valuable relationships. It also helps you identify malignant relationships, and when absolutely necessary, remove yourself from the relationship with minimal damage.
• Create a sense of co-presence when confronting someone, especially when doing so virtually. Know your technology capabilities and limits. Use video, and keep your environment free from distraction. While it may feel awkward at first, practice gazing into the camera when speaking, and alternate the camera and view of the other person when they are speaking.
• Be specific. Use the CPR method to outline your discussion, specific examples, and keep you on track. When initiating the invitation to meet, use a contrasting statement to set the tone. Review what you agreed to, and establish next steps.
• Follow-up to strengthen the relationship. After a confrontation, you may be inclined to avoid that situation or person again. But positive confrontations that create a win-win-win rely on pro-active follow-up that strengthen the relationship. Acknowledge the positive confrontation. Send a thank-you note (or email): for their time, engagement, and honesty. Summarize the conversation and individual and collective goals. If appropriate, reiterate your agreement and next steps.
• Reach out to build the relationship. Send an email, text, or even better, call on an unrelated matter. This reinforces the message that you care about them, and your relationship.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!
www.workingresources.com
[email protected]
415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

Develop Your Mental Game

As a business leader, how do you develop your mental game?
Consider today’s outstanding athletes. Like outstanding business leaders and managers, they overcome obstacles, deal with set-backs, and persevere to reach their goals. After watching a match or two it’s easy to take their impressive skills for granted. After all, they make it look so easy.

Then they make a clear mistake.

Such was the case for one such player in last year’s US Open tennis championship: with a single swat, Novak Djokovic—the favorite to win—unintentionally hit a ball at a line judge, and was disqualified.
How can such a well-trained, highly-skilled, and disciplined leader make such a mistake?

He got caught in a momentary lapse of un-mindfulness, distracted and fueled by frustration. And it happens to the best of us. We lose our clarity and focus.

Clarity and Focus

Clarity is knowing exactly what you want to achieve as a leader: your vision. Focus is knowing and doing the actions required to get you there. Great leaders do the right thing, right now. How?

First, they develop a clear mental picture of their intention. Then, they make a conscious choice to commit to and pursue that intention. And last, but certainly not least, they develop strategies for protecting their intention against distracting feelings or emotions, like boredom and frustration.

Just like great athletes, great business leaders take purposeful action to preserve and strengthen their mental abilities. After all, leaders who work on their brain fitness are less prone to errors. They understand that clarity and focus require three key areas of brain function:
• Cognition: Education and experience contribute to your cognitive abilities, so wise leaders engage in learning new skills which they practice to improve their processing speed (how quickly they can recall information, names, and memories). This allows them to make wise and timely decisions and responses, and, it also inhibits actions that could sabotage their best efforts, like hitting a ball at a line judge.
• Emotion Management: Learning how to self-regulate emotions, including stress and anger, is crucial for personal and professional success. You see, when an event or action is stored in our memory, the associated emotion is also stored. This unconscious emotional tagging process can influence our clarity, focus, and future decision making process.
• Executive Judgment: This operational part of the brain enables us to receive information, assess our feelings, identify and analyze pros and cons, formulate plans, and discern outcomes.

Build Your Foundation

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a true brain enhancement pill that could increase our health, wellness and performance? While research reveals that nootropics benefit cognition, learning, and mental clarity, they don’t actually improve intellect or IQ. If you’re not familiar with nootropics, they are a class of substances (natural or synthetic) comprised of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, fatty acids, antioxidants, and other herbal ingredients. Nootropics can have some effect on our memory, thinking, or other brain functions, but, more non-biased studies (non-brand or product related) must be conducted. In the meantime, we do know that diet, exercise, and meditation are key to higher brain function.
• Diet: in a perfect world, we’d get all the vitamins and minerals we need through a healthy diet of a wide-range of plants that fight inflammation. You see, science has linked many diseases, including those affecting our brain health¬, with chronic inflammation. According to an article published by Harvard Health Publishing (November 2018), choosing the right anti-inflammatory foods reduces your risk of illness.

If you’re looking to improve your mental game, consider the Mediterranean diet: it’s high in vegetables, fruits, nuts, whole grains, fish, and healthier oils. And of course, avoid processed foods, or those high in sugar. Researchers are finding greater evidence linking poor brain health to sugar. So while it might give your brain an initial surge, it’s not the best tool. Instead, give yourself a boost with exercise.
• Exercise: exercise increases activity in parts of the brain that have to do with executive function. Not only that, exercise promotes the growth of new brain cells. The key is to push yourself (with approval from your health care professional): reach your target heart rate for a period of 20-minutes, totaling a minimum of 150 minutes/week.

Why? Aerobic exercises increases blood flow to the brain, reduces stress, and improves mood. And, if you are actually enjoying the activity, this only improves your outlook.
• Meditation: the beneficial effects of meditation for brain fitness are the result of changes in underlying brain processes. Through MRI (fcMRI) scanning, researchers with the National Institutes of Health found that Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), a form of meditation, alters intrinsic connectivity networks (ICNs).
• MBSR is an attention-training technique that focuses on present moment internal and external experience. It includes breath awareness, body awareness (scanning), and attention to the impermanence of sensory experience. After eight weeks of MBSR training and practice, researchers identified changes in the subject’s brains reflective of a more “consistent attentional focus, enhanced sensory processing, and reflective awareness of sensory experience.”

Beware of Distractions

Distraction has become an ongoing challenge for many leaders and managers. And it’s not just our devices or technology, rather, it’s often our emotions, or our responses to our emotions.

According to Nir Eyal, an expert on technology and psychology published by Harvard Business Review and author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life (BenBella Books, 2019), we need to recognize the difference between traction and distraction. Gaining traction requires purposeful action: channeling our energy and focus.

Energy is much more than effort. It is engagement in a meaningful activity, propelled by both internal and external resources. Purposeful action is self-driven behavior; it is self-generated and engaged to generate traction.

Focus is conscious, intentional, and disciplined thought and behavior. You see, purposeful action requires discipline to resist distraction, overcome obstacles, and persevere in the face of setbacks. Our focus and energy might fall into one of four categories:

The Frenzied: Are you highly energetic and enthusiastic about your work, yet distracted or overwhelmed by tasks? How do you feel about deadlines, demands and the tyranny of the urgent? The need for speed may trigger you to act without hesitation, but you could achieve more if you consciously concentrate your efforts on what really matters.

The Procrastinator: Are you feeling low energy and focus? Insecurities and fear of failure may cause you to work on minor details, rather than tasks that could make a real difference for your organization.
The Detached: Are you focused, but without energy? What is the cause? You may be passing on apathy or disdain to your co-workers, sending mixed signals.

The Purposeful: Are you highly focused and energetic? You signal calm, reflective, and able to get the job done, even in chaos.

Boost Your Mental Game

When the going gets tough, how do you develop your mental game? Answer these questions to boost your energy and hone your focus:
Energy Boosters
1) Focus on one goal. Without judgment or self-censoring, ask yourself:
a) What is the big picture?
b) What data, research and strategies do I have and/or need for wise decisions about objectives and goals?
c) Is my goal well defined?
d) Where are the limits in my understanding?
e) How does the goal align with my values and those of my organization?
f) How would I benefit from a mentor?

2) Build confidence. Consider past personal goals, and ask yourself:
a) What was my experience with achieving comparable goals? Is it repeatable?
b) Who is my role model? Can they help me understand what it takes?
c) Where can I go for feedback and evaluation?
d) How can I experiment, rehearse or practice critical tasks toward my goal?

3) Practice positivity. Overcome negativity, and develop positive thoughts and feelings by asking yourself:
a) What are my patterns of feelings and experiences?
b) How are they related to my thoughts and behaviors about my goal?
c) Where do I find healthy outlets and support? (hobbies, sports, friends)
d) When do I experience fun or excitement?
e) What about my work creates enthusiasm?
f) Work aside, where do I draw strength? How do I gain balance?
Focus Boosters
1) Harness the power of visualization. Visualize your goal, or objective, and ask yourself:
a) What does my objective look like? When I need to remember my objective, what simple image can I conjure?
b) What are the small steps I need to take to reach my goal?

2) Commit to your goal. Make it personal, and ask yourself:
a) Does this goal feel right for me?
b) How much do I really want to achieve my goal?
c) What positive feelings are attached to this goal?
d) How does this goal align with my values and beliefs?

Boosting your mental game requires a clear mental picture of your goal or objective and a conscious choice to commit to and pursue your goal.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

[email protected]
415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life

Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

The Risks of Working for a People Pleasing Leader

Working for someone who is a people-pleaser may seem fairly innocuous or even desirable, but such leaders pose daunting challenges for their organizations. If you work for a people-pleaser, you most likely see the inherent problems and confess to seeking ways to maneuver around them.

People-pleasing leaders have some beneficial traits, but their behaviors can threaten survival in today’s highly competitive and responsive business climate: indecisiveness, lack of direction, inability to retain adequate personnel, low accountability and overall inefficiency.

People-pleasers have an excessive compulsion to be liked and appear likable. This tendency impedes their ability to influence results. Leadership coaching can help them learn several helpful approaches to combating the problem.

Are You a People-Pleaser?
People-pleasers focus on others’ reactions and are highly interested in building positive relationships and managing impressions and interactions.
They want to be liked by as many people as possible to meet their psychological needs and achieve success, according to Dr. Beatrice Chestnut, author of The 9 Types of Leadership: Mastering the Art of People in the 21st Century Workplace (Post Hill Press, 2017). People-pleasers endear themselves to others through three seemingly helpful communication tools: flattery, warmth and positivity.
People-pleasers’ need to be liked often seems dire and, as with most personality traits, is heavily influenced by childhood factors. Insecurities or fears manifest themselves in a variety of behaviors that are rarely acknowledged. When they please people around them, they feel a sense of well-being, Dr. Chestnut explains. This is both comforting and affirming, and pleasers hope it’s enough to bypass any potential rejection. By complimenting others, people-pleasers try to win over others by discerning what they want and giving it to them.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Even though people-pleasers view their world through this warped lens, some positive behaviors often emerge. People-pleasing leaders:

• Value people, are great advocates and facilitate connections
• Serve selflessly, with a positive and inspiring approach
• Value strengths and talents
• Understand others’ feelings and needs

But there are many negative aspects, as well. People-pleasers:

• Wear themselves out trying to please everyone
• Take on tasks they could easily assign
• Avoid taking charge and have difficulty making decisions
• Sugarcoat responses and resist honest feedback
• Portray a false image of friendliness
• Overlook their own plans, feelings, and needs
• Tolerate bad performance or behavior
• Become resentful when things don’t play out in their favor
• Manipulate people to avoid asking for what they want

It’s easy to imagine the organizational crises that can result from these leadership shortcomings.

A Personality Style

People-pleasers can be identified by some basic outward behaviors, none of which are alarming in and of themselves. But combine these behaviors, and you’ll find a leader who’s likely to be a source of problems.

The people-pleasing personality is, in fact, a distinct leadership type, according to Dr. Chestnut. HR personnel and leadership coaches are trained to assess them and appropriately deal with the problems that arise with this leadership style.

This type of leader is exceedingly (perhaps unnecessarily) nice and relationally focused. They listen well and offer emotional support. They are recharged when harmony increases and drained when discord breaks out. Their feelings may be hurt when unity is disrupted. They are more drawn to the “yes” people than to those who challenge or raise opposing viewpoints.

Leaders who want to be liked have a hard time asking for help or assigning work. Pleasers are outwardly bothered by those who fail to reciprocate with relationship-building, unity, or harmony. They are visibly disturbed by people who don’t share their priority of being considerate to others.

Leaders with these traits will also display resentment over being left out, having their suggestions ignored, and being taken advantage of for their generosity. We may hear them venting their frustrations, but never directly to the person who displeased them.

When we see these behaviors on a consistent basis, it means we’re most likely dealing with a people-pleaser.

Inner Workings

Understanding what goes on inside people-pleasers’ heads can help us work with them.

People-pleasing leaders are most comfortable when they receive approval, consensus, and mutual consideration. This makes them relationally productive, yet corporately productive only at the peak of harmony. They empathize well and feel the need to serve selflessly. They see the good in others and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Avoiding rejection is paramount to them, so they hide emotions that may upset others and suppress contrary opinions. This explains why they serve others with the hope that they’ll be served in return, without having to ask other people to do so. They become adept at reading others’ body language and are sensitive to others’ moods and preferences, allowing them to “shapeshift” to the most effective position to win people over.

People-pleasing leaders can strategize impression management to look good, receive affirmation and be liked. Being upbeat is important to them. They generally have the skills to lift people’s spirits and focus on meeting the needs of those who work for them. They may resort to manipulation as a means to a desired end.

Pleasers also develop blind spots that prevent them from seeing their own needs going unmet. They cannot recognize their own neediness, resentment, desire to blame others for ruined plans and loneliness, even while they’re surrounded by “friends.” They repress frustration over the lack of social reciprocity or co-unity. This can, in the extreme, impair their perceptions, cloud judgment, and lead to poor decisions.

Blind Spots

It’s difficult to deal with people-pleasing leaders who cannot see what’s obvious to others. Colleagues and coaches can help guide them by asking several key questions:

• Do you find it hard to say “no” to people?
• Is it difficult to ask people to help you or take on a tough assignment?
• Is being liked one of the most important things to you? Why?
• Is cultivating positive relationships the most vital part of your job?
• Do you struggle to meet everyone’s needs all the time?
• Does positive feedback give you an incredible high? What about criticism?
• What gives you the most emotional reassurance on the job?
• How do you feel when you upset or disappoint someone?
• What happens inside you when conflict arises?
• How do you handle difficult performance discussions with subordinates?
• Do you criticize yourself when rejected?
• Do your own needs go unmet? Why?
• Do you paint a positive picture for people, even when it’s not that encouraging?

Truthful answers to these questions can help people-pleasers see how their behavior negatively impacts their personal and professional lives.

Suggested Steps for People-Pleasers

It may be a struggle for people-pleasing leaders to identify their traits, so it’s important for seasoned colleagues or a leadership coach to employ tested approaches when working with them. The process begins with encouraging pleasers to step outside their comfort zones and establish healthy boundaries. They’ll need to observe their emotions and responses to uncomfortable situations and learn to grow more comfortable.

The following steps can help them improve self-awareness and build confidence:

1. Grasp what triggers undesirable reactions. What kind of reactions would better serve you?
2. Embrace each emotion and process it. Find a way to moderate reactions.
3. Make note of the benefits when you break old habits and adopt new ones.

People-pleasers need new guidelines and/or boundaries. They must learn that setting expectations and making requests of others are positive leadership behaviors. People are not as fickle as they may think. Leaders can learn to give critical, yet constructive, feedback, knowing it benefits everyone.

Pleasers should copy the following behavioral “cheat sheet” to their smartphones and tablets so it’s always within reach:

• It’s normal and healthy to say “no.”
• You’re not responsible for how others feel. You can control only how you feel. Leaders cannot regulate their staff’s happiness. People have their own issues, so be clear about boundaries.
• Affirmation and confidence come from within, not from others.
• Act from the heart, not from a strategy. Staged behavior is obvious and detrimental.
• Make sure your own needs are addressed instead of playing the martyr.

Working for a People Pleaser

People-pleasing leaders can benefit greatly from their staff’s supportive gestures and understanding. Show appreciation when pleasers share their feelings or try to be transparent. Commend them on decisiveness and setting direction. Provide safe but meaningful feedback, mixed with praise whenever possible.

We can help people-pleasing leaders through dedication, teamwork and being reliable partners—steps we should take anyway. We can encourage delegating by suggesting action items or taking on tasks that need to get done.

As leaders leave behind their people-pleasing ways, everyone will see the improvements in organizational culture: productivity, direction, accountability, morale, team strength and true unity.
One of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is “Am I a transformational leader who inspires individuals and organizations to achieve their highest potential, flourish at work, experience elevating energy and achieve levels of effectiveness difficult to attain otherwise?” Emotionally intelligent and socially intelligent organizations provide executive coaching to help leaders create a culture where respect and trust flourish.
Working with a seasoned executive coach and leadership consultant trained in emotional intelligence and incorporating assessments such as the Bar-On EQ-i 2.0, Hogan Lead, CPI 260 and Denison Culture Survey can help leaders nurture strengths-based conversations in the workplace. You can become an inspiring leader who models emotional intelligence and social intelligence, and who inspires people to become fully engaged with the vision, mission and strategy of your company or law firm.
Working Resources is a San Francisco Bay Area executive coaching and leadership development firm helping innovative companies and law firms develop emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders. We help build coaching cultures of positive engagement.
...About Dr. Maynard Brusman
Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist and Executive Coach|
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional Intelligence & Mindful Leadership Workplace Expert

I coach leaders to cultivate clarity, creativity, focus, trust, and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture.

Dr. Maynard Brusman is a consulting psychologist and executive coach. He is the president of Working Resources, a leadership consulting and executive coaching firm. We specialize in helping San Francisco Bay Area companies develop emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders.
Maynard is a highly sought-after speaker and workshop leader. He facilitates leadership retreats in Northern California and Costa Rica.

“Maynard Brusman is one of the foremost coaches in the United States. He utilizes a wide variety of assessments in his work with senior executives and upper-level managers, and is adept at helping his clients both develop higher levels of emotional intelligence and achieve breakthrough business results. As a senior leader in the executive coaching field, Dr. Brusman brings an exceptional level of wisdom, energy, and creativity to his work.” — Jeffrey E. Auerbach, Ph.D., President, College of Executive Coaching

The Society for Advancement of Consulting (SAC) awarded rare "Board Approved" designations in the specialties of Executive Coaching and Leadership Development. Alan Weiss, Ph.D., President, Summit Consulting Group

Are you an executive leader who wants to be more effective at work and get better results?
Did you know that research has demonstrated, that the most effective leaders model high emotional intelligence, and that EQ can be learned? It takes self-awareness, empathy, and compassion to become a more emotionally intelligent leader.
Emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders inspire people to become fully engaged with the vision and mission of their company. Mindful leadership starts from within.
I am a consulting psychologist and executive coach. I believe coaching is a collaborative process of providing people with the resources and opportunities they need to self-manage, develop change resiliency and become more effective. Utilizing instrumented assessments - clients set clear goals, make optimal use of their strengths, and take action to create desired changes aligned with personal values.

I have been chosen as an expert to appear on radio and TV, MSNBC, CBS Health Watch and in the San Francisco Chronicle, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Time, Forbes and Fast Company.

Over the past thirty-five years, I have coached hundreds of leaders to improve their leadership effectiveness.

After only 6 months, one executive coaching client reported greater productivity, and more stress resiliency helping her company improve revenues by 20%. While this may depend on many factors most of my clients report similar satisfaction in their EQ leadership competence leading to better business results.

You can choose to work with a highly seasoned executive coach to help facilitate your leadership development and executive presence awakening what’s possible.
For more information, please go to http://www.workingresources.com , write to [email protected], or call 415-546-1252.

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A Mindful Lesder Legacy that Endures

As a leader, how will your legacy measure up?

Your leadership legacy matters. It motivates people in the way they think and behave, today, and in the future. A lasting legacy sets a course: it adds value, creates positive meaning, and empowers others to carry on—with or without you.

History reveals it is not uncommon for crisis to create or accelerate significant changes at the top.

During the 2008-2009 financial crisis, more than 2,000 CEOs of publicly-traded companies were replaced, according to Challenger, Gray & Christmas (CGC).

In 2018, CEO turnover reached 18% in the 2500 largest companies worldwide. According to the study published in Harvard Business Review (May-June 2021), 20% were “forced out” for ethical lapses.
January 2020 set records for CEO turnover with 219 vacancies in a single month. Subsequently, 1,133 CEOs retired (up 11% from 2020) or moved on to new opportunities (up 17.4% from 2020) during 2021, report CGC. The industries most affected include non-profit (including education, transportation, and charities), technology, and health (including health care manufacturers).

Without a clear succession plan, organizations are left to scramble. While some of the vacancies are temporarily filled by former employees or next-generation relatives, others remain open. Legacies fail, or die.

Legacies at Risk

Based on the succession planning research of Yo-Jud Cheng , Boris Groysberg, and Paul Healy, published in Harvard Business Review (May 2020):
• 63% of private companies do not have a CEO succession contingency plan in place.
• 69% of companies with less than $50 million in annual revenues lack a plan.
• The need for a succession plan is often more acute in small firms, especially start-ups.

According to the researchers, 45% of all the U.S. companies they surveyed do not have a contingency plan for CEO succession, and 46% do not have an effective plan process for CEO succession. The industries most at risk include healthcare (61% without a CEO succession contingency plan), media (61%) IT and telecom (59%), and consumer staples (53%).

Creating a lasting legacy is no easy feat. Those who succeed develop other executives: they understand what it takes for a successful leader to develop the capabilities to take a complex organization into the future, even in times of uncertainty.

The Makings of a Great Legacy

Your leadership legacy is how people remember you. It’s what they think and feel about you when you leave the room—today, and tomorrow. A great legacy is comprised of five elements:
1. Vision: a leadership vision is a testimony to the leader’s core values and sets the tone for direction and company operations. Leaders who are able to address issues conceptually, think strategically and creatively, and translate complex concepts into reality create a legacy vision.
2. Self-awareness: leaders who are self-aware are sensitive to their blind spots and bias. Great leaders are curious and able to gain new skills and knowledge to address challenges.
3. Relationships: leaders who have the desire and ability to understand others—not just what they say, but the meaning and feelings behind the words—enhance relationships, creativity, and collaboration. When we feel connected to others, especially in a work environment, we experience greater security, are more willing to share confidences, feel encouraged to take risks, and can support one another freely.
4. Perseverance: with the right knowledge (wisdom) and attitude (emotional resilience, realistic optimism, commitment and celebration of small wins), great leaders persevere to achieve positive results.
5. Leadership pipeline: great leaders take responsibility for building their organization’s leadership pipeline. They hold themselves accountable in the process of growing leaders, and recognize and support their developmental needs.
To be sure, employees, managers, and leaders are facing pressure and challenges like never before seen in our lifetime. They must maintain a steady balance between big-picture, long-term thinking with daily demands and problem solving. Building a strong leadership pipeline is important, but it often falls into the category of non-urgent.

Succession Planning in Large Organizations

In larger organizations, a lasting leadership legacy is funneled by line, department, or operating managers. After all, they are in prime position to identify potential, recognize developmental needs, and mentor emerging leaders. They encourage rising stars to take on new responsibilities, even if it means moving onto other lines, departments, or business units.

These front-line managers also support senior executives in defining and creating a diverse, equitable, and inclusive leadership development system for the entire company. They identify challenges, issues, and practical solutions, passing on important knowledge and information.

Succession Planning in Small Businesses

In small business, a lasting leadership legacy is one of the biggest challenges.

According to a recent article in the Harvard Business Review (May 2020), “The Key to Successful Succession Planning for Family Businesses,” most family firms fail to remain a family business past the second generation. For those that do, gaining support of non-family employees for the next generation of leadership is a key challenge. However, research indicates that family successors are often preferred, as long as they support the existing culture and are well-equipped for leadership.

Preparation, transparency, and accountability are critical for success. When prospective employees understand any foreseen limits in their opportunities for advancement, they won’t feel blind-sided when family members are appointed in leadership positions. Plus, next generation family members who work side-by-side with non-family members can benefit from their experience through training and mentoring. This also allows the next generation family members to demonstrate their competence and accountability.

Develop Your Future Leaders

Great leaders are very mindful and intentional about leadership development. They understand that while financial results define where a company has been, leadership is a key indicator of a company’s future.

The quality of leadership—at every level—has a huge impact on everyday operations, and it determines every employee’s level of engagement. That’s why the best leaders invest in their own development. They:
1. Practice self-awareness. Understand your impact, limits, and challenge yourself to grow.
2. Balance here/now with there/future. Know what got you here. Be fully present.
3. Put people first. Practice compassion and encourage and equip others to succeed.
4. Listen more than they speak. Practice humility: seek to understand, rather than to be understood.

Great leaders also invest in the development of future leaders. They understand how managers grow. You see, they know that training alone is not the key to development; it is job experiences, coupled with coaching, feedback, and mentoring.

Build a Legacy Model

Here is a simple five-step model you can adapt for your organization, regardless of size:
1. Review your methods (and criteria) to identify leadership talent.
2. Identify pathways to leadership: sequences of responsibilities that build capabilities and meet daily operational needs.
3. Recognize each future leader in ways that highlights their strengths, personality, and contributions.
4. Track and assess results, provide feedback and coaching, and when necessary, adjust for changes.
5. Provide future leaders with opportunities to build relationships. When applicable, introduce future leaders to board members.

Line/department/business unit managers should be an integral part of the process. Clear assignment, roles, and responsibilities are key to success.

Empower Your Managers

It’s not unusual for managers to feel uneasy with the emotional and personal involvement effective talent development requires, especially during times of crisis, uncertainty, or change. Even in the best of times, discussing people’s talents and potential may seem intrusive. Providing solutions, advice, and answers becomes the default mode. However, engaging with a coaching style is more effective.

Probing, one-on-one conversations to identify values, motivators, career goals, and what is needed to be more successful requires skill, practice, and a coaching mindset: empowering others to do their own thinking in ways that lead to new insight. A simple checklist can help:
• Frame the conversation. Set the context by agreeing on the discussion’s purpose, process, and desired outcome. Identify issues, behaviors, habits, etc., to discuss.
• Understand the current state. Explore the current state from the coachee’s point of view. Expand the coachee’s awareness of the situation to determine the real coaching issue. Use open-ended, non-leading questions and active listening.
• Explore the desired state. Help the coachee to articulate a vision of success in this scenario. Explore multiple alternative paths (and barriers) before prioritizing methods of achieving this vision.
• Lay out a success plan. Identify the specific, time-bounded action steps to be taken to achieve the desired results. Determine milestones for follow-up and accountability. Ask for commitment.

Great leaders exist in every generation. It’s just a matter of finding—and keeping—them. Preparation is the key to filling the leadership pipeline and creating a legacy that endures.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

[email protected]
415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

Channel Stress for Peak Performance

Channel Stress for Peak Performance

As a leader, how do you channel stress? How do you use stress to your advantage?  

More than ever, it’s critical that we take care of our bodies and mind. After all, our success depends on being able to function in a healthy, productive manner.

So when your flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response is triggered, how do you respond? How do you signal to your body when you are in real danger, and when you are experiencing stress?

The term “stress” is overused and often misunderstood, as it’s bandied about to describe both cause and effect:

• Cause: “There’s a lot of stress at work these days.”
• Effect: “I’m so stressed that I can’t think straight.”

It’s interesting to note that while neuroscience has taught us a great deal about stress, we cannot always distinguish between the psychological state of stress and the physiological response to it.

What is clear is that if we’re in a chronic state of high-level stress, emotional strain leads to physical consequences. The body responds with anxiety and depression, as well as high blood pressure, heart problems and cancer. Chronic stress eats away at the brain’s connective tissue.

We can’t completely eliminate stress. But, we can better manage our body’s natural responses to stress. We can take control, ground ourselves, and even improve our brain’s ability to function.

The Science

Severe stress activates the “emergency phase,” commonly known as the fight-or-flight response. It’s a complex physiological reaction that marshals resources to mobilize the body and brain to peak performance. Fortunately, it engraves the memory so we can avoid this stressor in the future.

Our ingrained reaction is essentially a three-step process:

1. Recognize the danger.
2. Fuel the reaction.
3. Remember the event for future reference.

Unfortunately, any amount of stress triggers neurological systems that manage attention, energy, and memory. Moreover, we can find ourselves in a constant state of stress. You see, the mind is so powerful that we can set off a stress response just by imagining ourselves in a threatening situation. It’s time to take good care and ground ourselves.

Grounded is a state of being when you’re feeling your emotions and you’re aware of your present moment experience. Being grounded also means that you’re feeling responsible for your safety and well-being. Grounding is an effective therapeutic approach for managing stress, anxiety, and improving overall mental health.

Stress and Your Autonomic Nervous System

The human body is pretty amazing. Not only can most of us choose if, when, where, how, and why to use it, there are systems that automatically work for us. Our autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates our breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, and many other functions that allow us to survive.

The traditional view of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) is that of a two-part system:

1. Sympathetic nervous system (SNS), which is more activating, and can be triggered by stress to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The burst of cortisol may cause our hands to sweat, voice to shake, and stomach to clinch as our pulse rate and blood pressure rise. These are the physical manifestations of anxiety.
2. Parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which counter-balances our SNS and supports health, growth, and restoration. When our brain believes we are safe, we slow down and our systems reboot.

The Vagus Nerve

Our vagus nerve (pneumogastric nerve) is difficult to track, but we know that it is the longest nerve in the ANS. It extends throughout our thorax (esophagus, trachea, heart, and lungs; respiration and circulation) to the abdomen (stomach, pancreas, liver, kidneys, small intestine, and portion of large intestine; digestion and elimination). The vagus nerve can be very powerful, especially when we are feeling stress:

1. It can trigger the parasympathetic response.
2. Communicates from the brain to the body and from the body to the brain.

Dr. J. Eric Vance, MD, writes in Psychiatric Times (May 2018) that we are in a constant state of surveillance for risk, safety, threats, and opportunities to respond. He refers to this process as “neuroception.” Fortunately, we can practice calming techniques that send a signal from our body to our brain that we are safe.

Activate Your Parasympathetic Response

Your parasympathetic response (PNS) is your body’s way of returning to rest or calm. Think of it like this: the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) works to stimulate fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—ways to keep us alive when in danger. The parasympathetic response system is our parachute out of danger: this system regulates our emotions in stressful situations.

Fortunately, there are ways we can strengthen our parachutes:

1. Practice deep-breathing (engage vagal tone). Your vagal tone is a measurement of your heart rate variability when practicing slow, deep breathing. A stronger vagal tone leads to better blood sugar regulation, heart health, and digestion; a reduction in migraines; and greater emotional stability and resilience. Lower vagal tone is associated with mood instability, depression, PTSD, diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, cognitive impairment, and inflammation. Fortunately, deep, slow breathing can increase your vagal tone and trigger parasympathetic response.
   1. To determine your vagal tone, find your pulse. Notice any change as you slowly breathe in and out. If it increases as you breathe in and decreases as you breathe out, you have a stronger vagal tone.
   2. To strengthen your vagal tone, practice slow, deep-breathing.
      
      
2. Soften the eyes/gaze (use peripheral vision). Softening the gaze, or focus, relaxes nerves in and around the eyes. This often occurs naturally when you are lost in thought or daydream. Conversely, when your SNS has been triggered you may experience tunnel vision. When we use peripheral vision, we signal the brain and trigger the PNS.
   1. To soften your gaze, squeeze and relax your eyes. Expand your vision to the sides: notice what is at the outer edges of your vision.
      
      
3. Valsalva maneuver (increase chest cavity pressure). This practice can trigger the heart to slow down.
   1. To practice this, bear down to compress your stomach to your pelvic floor. Alternatively, you can close your mouth, pinch your nose, and try to exhale as you would to alleviate ear pressure. My favorite practice is to breathe in slowly for five second, hold the breath while bearing down, and then slowing exhaling. I do this once or twice, then breathe normally for 30 seconds, and repeat the cycle.

Channel Your Stress

Not all stress is bad. When we can mindfully engage in the three-step process to recognize, fuel, and remember, stress becomes a building block for wisdom. If we can avoid panic, fear, or pessimism, stress can help us achieve peak performance.

This is not always easy, especially for intelligent, creative leaders who can overthink themselves into a frenzy. But remember: stressful challenges allow us to grow and learn when we employ active coping methods and move out of pessimism, fear, and retreat. Just as the mind can affect the body, the body can affect the mind.

Most people know that when they exercise, they feel better—but they cannot explain the connection. They assume they’re burning off stress, reducing muscle tension or boosting endorphins, all of which are true. There’s more to it than that.

It’s hard to remember that our bodies and brains were built to move. Our brains need physical activity and stimulation. We need to exert more energy than “keyboard calisthenics” allows.

Exercise is crucial to the way we think and feel. It:

• Cues the building blocks of learning in our brains
• Improves mood
• Lowers stress and anxiety
• Improves our ability to pay attention, focus, and concentrate
• Helps stave off the deleterious effects of hormonal changes

Exercise increases levels of serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine—key neurotransmitters that traffic in thoughts and emotions. People with low levels often suffer from clinical depression and stress, which can erode the connections among the brain’s billions of nerve cells. Chronic depression actually shrinks certain areas of the brain.

Conversely, exercise unleashes a cascade of neurotransmitters and growth factors that can reverse this process. This is why active coping is so important in our stress-filled workdays.

Get Physical

Along with developing and practicing grounding techniques, channel your stress with physical activities:

• Take 10-minute walks to move, stretch, and relieve stress. If possible, change locations: go outside your normal workspace to change your scenery.
• With doctor approval, try squats, pushups, or other types of intense activity for 60 – 90 second intervals. Ideally, your weekly total exercise should accumulate to 150 minutes of aerobic activity and target (strengthen) major muscle groups at least twice.
• Identifying physical activities that you enjoy, alone or with others, can help you channel stress, and set SMART goals: a tool that will help you and not add to your stress.

A qualified coach or therapist can help you develop and practice grounding techniques and set SMART goals for peak performance.

Calm, Cool, and Collected: Communication in Conflict

Calm, Cool, and Collected: Communication in Conflict

How do you remain calm, cool, and collected when conflicts escalate?

We’ve all been there: encountering someone in a fit of road rage; a neighbor upset about another neighbor’s transgression; dealing with a beloved toddler in the middle of a melt-down. Typically, we ignore such bad behavior, waiting for it to resolve itself. But, these may be prime opportunities to practice de-escalation techniques and communication skills.

Generally speaking, we trust that our co-workers are capable of resolving conflicts and able to avoid crisis in the workplace. If a situation does escalate, equipped and available managers step in. But consider this: according to the most recent report by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), over 20,000 workers experienced trauma from workplace violence in 2018.

How does this happen?

Conflict Escalation

Multiple factors can escalate a situation, including:

• Physical: Pain/illness, sleep deprivation, low blood sugar/dehydration, prescription changes
• Mental or cognitive: Unhelpful thoughts/thinking patterns, negative perceptions, critical inner voice
• Emotional: Pre-existing mood disorders, past trauma, etc.
• Social: Lack of healthy support network, isolation
• Environmental: Visual or auditory triggers, audience
• Spiritual: Sense of connection to higher power or that which offers hope, faith, purpose

While a crisis is not typically caused by one event, there is often a tipping point. Most common is the death of a significant other, loss of a relationship, loss of work, homelessness, or cabin fever. A crisis occurs when people perceive that they have encountered insurmountable obstacles to their goals, their life cycle or routine is significantly disrupted, and they have no appropriate method to manage their situation. In other words, they believe they have no way through, around, or out of their perceived situation.

Communication in Conflict: Shift Your Goals

Whenever emotions are involved, communication can get tricky. It happens often: at home, in public, and at work. When people disagree, feel un-heard, or feel invalidated, a conversation can go off track.

The goals of the communication shift to de-escalation can be summarized into three objectives: 

1. Gain equilibrium/stabilization
   • This may involve identifying and removing anything that reinforces aggressive behavior.
   • Help the other party(s) identify reasons to calm down.
2. Cognitive
   • Help the other party gain control of their thoughts (and behavior).
   • Help the other party gain a sense of control.
3. Psychosocial
   • Assess internal and external exacerbating and mitigating factors.
   • Identify and choose workable alternatives.

It’s important to remember that not everyone responds the same way to threats or a crisis. For example, they might be in a flight, fight, or freeze mode, or a combination in a wide variety of degrees. There is no one “normal” range of behaviors.

De-escalation requires self-awareness of our own perceptions and assumptions, and a curious, non-judgmental mindset. Here are a few techniques that can help.

8 De-escalation Techniques

 

1. Be professional, and respect personal space. This can vary from person-to-person, so be sensitive to physical, confidential, and social-distance space.
2. Use non-threatening body language: stand-to -side, rather than square to other. Speak in a calm, quiet, and low(er) tone.
3. Focus on feelings. Listen, watch, and reflect. “It sounds like you are feeling…”
4. Set limits. Help identify options, choices, and consequences.
5. Ignore challenging questions. Avoid taking the bait.
6. Choose wisely in stretching rules, boundaries, and battles.
7. Allow for time.
8. Be empathetic and non-judgmental.

Communication in Conflict: Trust the Process

While there are no quick fixes when communicating during conflict, you can trust a proven process.

In Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World (Sounds True, October 2019), Christian Conte, PhD, shares his philosophy and evidence-based model for change called Yield Theory. This framework is designed to help anyone see the world from the perspective of another with empathy, compassion, and non-attachment, replacing any ego-driven perception of a situation (or person in a heightened emotional state).

As Conte describes it, Yield Theory Compassion is the “cornerstone of communication.” It allows leaders, managers, and colleagues to de-escalate and work through conflict without aggression or submission.

According to Conte, practicing Yield Theory involves a “constant navigation toward the position of the other” through three steps:

1. Listen: hear what is being said, verbally and non-verbally.
2. Validate: validate the feelings of the person in a heightened emotional state. Validation is only effective (and has occurred) if the subject feels validated.
3. Explore Options: explore all options and consequences of each option. Persons in a heightened emotional state often have a narrow focus, a type of tunnel vision. This is the time to introduce a macro-vision, a wider range of options, and allow for choice in behavior or actions. In essence, you are creating a safe-space that de-escalates a situation.

7 Communication Skills

This process relies on seven key communication skills to build trust:

1. Acceptance: be accepting of others and yourself (strengths, limits, and emotional/cognitive states).
2. Authenticity: be true to yourself in order to be truly available to others.
3. Compassion: be aware and understand how others are feeling.
4. Conscious education: check-in and monitor your physical being to prevent transferring internal stress into external accusation.
5. Creativity: be open, curious, and of a growth mindset.
6. Mindfulness: be mindfully and totally present. Avoid the five errors of communication:
   1. Approach: be self-aware of tone, non-verbal cues, space, etc.
   2. Interpretation: be aware of cultural differences, opportunities to project, blind-spots/bias, etc.
   3. Judgment
   4. Language
   5. Omnipotence
7. Nonattachment: let go of any pre-determined outcomes to achieve the de-escalation goals. Be responsible and accountable for self and don’t take statements personally.

Communication in Conflict: If, When, and How

Attempting to intervene in a situation of road rage is never a good idea. It’s best to contact the authorities when it is safe to do so. Any situation involving a weapon (be it a car or any deadly object) should be managed by a trained specialist.

Then there are the situations when our emotions have exceeded our rationality. It happens with people we don’t know and people we know well: colleagues, friends, neighbors, and family. This is when a conflict can quickly escalate; we get hooked by our natural mimic reflex making it more difficult to disengage. In that case, walking away or postponing the conversation may be the best option.

Do’s

Here are a few tips to use this method of de-escalation and strengthen the relationship:

• Take a physical step aside. Visualize insults passing by, missing you.
• Talk about the process, not about the message. “I hear you are angry. I feel angry. I don’t want to raise my voice with you as it won’t be productive. I need to take a break. Can we talk about this at ___ (time).” If you need more time to gain your equilibrium, ask for it.
• Meet as agreed. Focus on common goals or interests.

Don’ts

• Don’t ignore anger (yours or others), rather acknowledge it.
• Don’t take someone else’s anger personally. Even if it is about you, recognize your own feelings about the issue, and remain calm (non-attached.)
• Don’t feed someone’s anger by trying to stop it, rather, create a safe place to properly voice feelings.

Workplace Conflicts and Crisis

Every employer should have a Workplace Violence Prevention Plan tailored for their organization. A robust plan reflects their type of business/service and the clients they serve, resources, physical layout, organizational culture, and communication and training expectations. While it may be uncomfortable or unpleasant, all employees should participate in periodic violence prevention training to strengthen their knowledge and confidence.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach

Trusted Leadership Advisor

Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant

San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

[email protected]

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

Emotionally Intelligent Leaders Lead With Love

Lead with Love

As a business leader, how do you lead with love? How is love practiced in your organization?

Given the volatility of 2021, I’ve been exploring this facet of leadership. Tension and anger in the workplace is on the rise. Some HR researchers anticipate this will continue throughout 2022.

In a recent article published by Harvard Business Review (January 2022), eleven current trends foster ongoing workplace volatility. Some of the top issues leaders and managers will face include:

1. Fairness and equity
2. Vaccine mandates and testing
3. Shorter work week
4. Employee turnover
5. Permanent shift to remote technology/tools
6. Permanent hybrid work model
7. Wellness tactics, technologies, and metrics
8. The need for a Chief Purpose Officer (CPO)
9. Manager-employee interpersonal relationships

There is a growing urgency to strengthen manager-employee interpersonal relationships, and for some organizations, a shift or addition of a CPO. You see, at a minimum, the volatility we are experiencing creates stress for individuals, poor working relationships, and decreased productivity. Left unchecked, psychological abuse, violence, and ruin ensue. Great leaders can manage and even avoid these worst-case scenarios by leading with love.

Our Need for Love

All humans need love: we need to be loved and nurtured, and we need to express love. It’s one of our most fundamental needs. And it’s no surprise that this need carries into the workplace. For many, having healthy business and professional relationships is a top goal. That’s why they practice love in the workplace.

Leading with love is doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right spirit (motivation). This type of love embodies courageousness, discernment, justice, and humility—it’s not about our natural preferences. Leaders who practice this type of love know that expressing love, empathy, and compassion is a mutually beneficial endeavor.

Even the smallest act of kindness can help meet our need for love. According to researchers, committing kindness over a seven-day period increases our sense of happiness. And, it matters not if it is offered to strangers, acquaintances, co-workers, or close friends—all have an equally positive effect.

Leadership, Love, and Blind Spots

When it comes to leadership and love, even the best leaders have blind spots. Generally speaking, this is a good thing: it can even a playing field. However, as Steven Snyder wrote in Leadership and the Art of Struggle, “Blind spots are the product of an overactive automatic mind and an underactive reflective mind.” This can be especially dangerous for leaders.

In Thinking Fast and Slow, psychologist and economist Daniel Kahneman describes how our fast, automatic mind reaches conclusions (re: judgments) quickly, typically prematurely, and frequently incorrectly; but our slow, reflective mind challenges assumptions, generates alternatives, and objectively evaluates and analyzes them.

Fast thinking happens frequently. And it’s understandable: slow thinking requires a lot of energy. Unfortunately, the alternative fast thinking does not address leadership blind spots, especially when it comes to self-perception.

You see, most of us have a blind spot for our good qualities and a magnifying glass for our flaws. Whether we recognize it or not, this can do a lot of damage to our confidence, happiness, and ability to love others. When we let our self-criticism go unchallenged, it not only causes more harm and suffering, it hurts those around us.

The more we deny these blind spots, the more miserable we become. This distorted image is not the truth; rather, it reinforces the inner dialogue that can keep us stuck. Instead, we can change the stories we tell ourselves that result from habitual fast thinking.

Practice Self-love

First, take a deep breath to slow your pace and clear your mind. Look at the whole picture. Instead of beating yourself up, think about how you would feel if your best friend had a similar flaw, made the same choice, or acted in a similar manner. From this perspective, it probably doesn’t look so bad, or whatever negative label you put on it.

Now, give yourself a break. Think back to something you recently did that was loving and kind. Allow yourself to linger in that memory to rebalance your feelings.

Then, practice forgiveness. One helpful technique is a loving-kindness meditation. Here is a very simple, basic meditation to start:

• May I be happy
• May I be well
• May I be safe
• May I be peaceful and at ease

The way we treat ourselves matters more than we realize. Self-compassion empowers us to work through different moments of life with more resilience and grace.

Extend Love at Work

The loving-kindness meditation published on Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley  is a helpful way to extend love at work. This meditation was created by Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research Education, who define compassionate love as:

“…An attitude toward other(s), either close others or strangers or all of humanity; containing feelings, cognitions, and behaviors that are focused on caring, concern, tenderness, and an orientation toward supporting, helping, and understanding the other(s), particularly when the other(s) is (are) perceived to be suffering or in need.” (Sprecher & Fehr, 2005)

The Platinum Rule

People are starving for connection and hope amidst all of the uncertainty and fear we experienced over the past two years.

In light of these issues, it’s crucial for leadership to offer love using what anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher describes as, The Platinum Rule: treat others not as you want to be treated (The Golden Rule), but as they want to be treated.

Ask, listen, confirm, offer, and if agreed, act.

Love What You Do at Work

According to a recently published article “Managing a Polarized Workforce,” (Harvard Business Review, March-April 2022), “conflict is an inescapable part of work life for employees at all levels.” Their recent survey of US companies reveals that 89% of respondents report experiencing conflict at work and “spend about 3.5 hours a week, on average, dealing with it.”

Given this environment, especially for those who do not thrive in conflict, how are we able to love what we do at work? It boils down to identifying that which is truly meaningful.

Language Matters

Language is powerful. It doesn’t merely describe, it shapes reality. Language becomes the filter through which we perceive the world.

When we talk about work that is truly meaningful, we are talking about the fundamental and essential human need of purpose. Many leaders have broadened their vocabulary to include words such as, “community, meaning, service, contribution, joy, passion, vocation, and soul,” knowing they are powerful, meaningful, and engaging. They understand that who you are and what you stand for are as important as what you do and sell.

Great leaders and managers tap into what is truly meaningful by daily asking (and answering) three questions.

Daily Engagement Questions

1. What ignites my passion in today’s work? Reclaim your resources—energy, time, and attention—from the urgent to the meaningful.
2. How can I bring true value to this moment? Disengage from emotional entanglements and take constructive action.
3. What would I like my legacy to be in this assignment? Bring more value and meaning to a seemingly onerous task.

Managing (and meeting) external responsibilities while fulfilling internal goals is a process. A bit of self-talk can help reframe a task:  “If I do this, then:”

1. “I’ll be one step closer to…”
2. “I will free up time for…”
3. “It will enable us to move forward to…”

Wise leadership teams also frequently ask and collectively answer:

1. What brings meaning and community to our company?
2. How can this meeting or project be an expression of our highest aims?
3. What would be of service right now?
4. How can this conversation be more open, clear, or authentic?
5. What is our larger responsibility as a team or organization?

Not everyone thrives in the face of conflict. Instead, many prefer to avoid it. But, we know that when managed well, diverse and often opposing ideas can foster progress and innovation. The key is to remain curious, open-minded, and listen well.

Workplace Romance

On February 2, 2022, the president of CNN Worldwide publicly announced his resignation because he had failed to disclose a personal relationship with a CNN senior executive.  According to both parties, the relationship was consensual and had grown from professional, to personal, to intimate. This leads many to ask: when co-workers seek connection and friendship, should love or dating be verboten?

Views and opinions on workplace romance vary greatly depending on the size of the organization, the history (of the organization and the individual), and the perceived risk of intimate alliances. And so do company policies.

According to a 2018 survey conducted by Challenger, Gray & Christmas, and published by Harvard Law School, the number of close personal relationship policies is on the rise. They report that in 2017, more than 50% of respondents have formal, written policies and 78% discourage supervisor-subordinate relationships. However, this does not mean they have anti-fraternization policies. Why?

The Cons of Non-fraternization Policies

• Grey areas: what is a close, personal relationship?
• Enforcement: who monitors compliance?
• Paternalism: should employers have the authority regarding personal matters?

Many of us have heard meet-cute stories that originated in the workplace. This is no surprise, given that 35-40% of those surveyed report having a workplace romance, and 72% would do so again. Surprisingly, 22% dated a supervisor. So would a non-fraternization policy prevent this?

The Pros of Non-fraternization Policies

• Prevent sexual harassment
• Mitigate organization’s legal risk
• Curtail workplace favoritism/toxicity
• Outline accountability processes and consequences

Clearly, there are multiple considerations, including the approach, the scope, and the consequences. While every employee should review their organization’s policies, leaders and managers should review for:

• How does the policy address employee’s concerns?
• What channels are in place to support employees? How can they report/disclose their intentions/status? Who must do this? (The more senior in the relationship?)
• Where are the grey areas? Who is responsible for decisions in these areas?

Truly successful organizations are led with love; what is happening in your organization?  

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!
www.workingresources.com
[email protected]
415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment